


Hated Resemblance

by TotallyNotASecretAO3Account



Series: TMNT Fics [2]
Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood, Brain Worms (TMNT), Donnie is a good brother, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Not Really Character Death, Panic Attacks, Raph Needs A Hug, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Stay away this is exclusively brotherly love, TCEST DNI, Violence, and also some therapy but oh well, but all of that is in a dream, injuries, major character death in a dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:48:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29373360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TotallyNotASecretAO3Account/pseuds/TotallyNotASecretAO3Account
Summary: Raphael was anger and rage and the heat of a thousand fires. He's been used as a weapon to hurt his brothers, and has done things he could never forgive himself for. He was a monster.That was why his father could never love him. He must have seen it too, the similarities that Raphael wished he could unsee the moment he realized it.He was no better than the Shredder._______________________________________Donatello knew Raph leaving in the daylight was probably cause for concern, but he never thought his anger and self hate had grown this bad. Did he really think he was as bad as the Shredder?
Relationships: Donatello & Raphael (TMNT)
Series: TMNT Fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2157663
Comments: 4
Kudos: 36





	Hated Resemblance

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING!!!
> 
> This fic does contain fight scenes and a main character death, but it's all in a dream. I don't think it's really graphic, but wanted to give you guys a heads up just in case.
> 
> Anyways, please enjoy!

_Red._

_That was all Raphael could see. His vision was red, full of hatred and anger and rage and all bad things. It clouded his sight and his mind, blocking out all rational thought, and he didn't even try to fight it. Why should he? It felt nice, in a painful sort of way. This was the one moment when he didn't need to do anything but fight... morals weren't an issue, he didn't need to worry, and it was almost therapeutic. So he didn't question anything. He didn't wonder why he was where he was, or why he was doing what he was doing. He didn't bother to spend a moment considering. All he did was attack._

_Punch, kick, dodge, punch, kick, dodge, and then punch again. The repetition was almost natural. He faced his opponents with a determination to win. That determination burned brighter than any fire, passion biting anyone who stepped too close. He would win. He didn't care how. He didn't care why. He didn't even care who his opponents were._

_The fact that they were his three brothers didn't bother him in the slightest._

_Raphael shoved his tallest brother back and jumped over his staff when it came for him. Donnie wasn't fast enough to trip him, and he knew it. His reflexes had always lacked in comparison. Raphael would've wondered why he even tried if he was thinking, but he wasn't. He was only fighting._

_His brother fell, but wasn't completely out of the fight just yet. Raphael had to finish it. He stomped over to him._

_Mikey came at him from above, successfully catching him off guard. While it did earn him a punch to Raphael's jaw, it wasn't enough to change the outcome of this battle. Raphael simply flipped him over onto his shell. The floor of the dojo cracked beneath him with the impact and Mikey gasped. At least, Raphael vaguely thought he did - the atmosphere was hazy and unreal, and he couldn't hear much besides the pounding of his own heart. But he knew Michelangelo. He wasn't being quiet, that was sure. He was probably screaming and yelling, and he had to have at least gasped, right? Whatever noise he was making fell on deaf ears._

_Donnie was up again, and the two round two began. Donnie opened his mouth to scream, and Raph screamed back, though he still couldn't hear anything. He blinked, and he had won the fight._

_Huh, when had he even given Donnie those bruises?_

_He threw his younger brother across the room to join Mikey, and both were unconscious now, probably breathing. Raphael couldn't see their breaths, but he was sure they were still alive, for some reason—it was probably because the fight felt unfinished. He'd have to come back to them later, he figured, if he really wanted to end their lives and finish the battle. But for now he left them there, in a pile by the tree._

_He took a moment to look at his work in triumph. The two were bruised and injured, blood staining the carpet where they lay beneath the tree. He had taken them out easily, no surprise there, and he was that much closer to winning this battle. Two thirds of the way done, in fact. All he had to do was take out one more person..._

_He spun around just in time to catch his older brother's swords with his sai, twisting his wrist and successfully flinging one of the katanas across the room. One weapon gone, Leo clenched his teeth and let out something near a growl, that still wasn't heard, but Raphael somehow knew he had done it. The raging turtle grinned._

_He didn't care that he was enjoying this._

_The two fought without words, stepping over their fallen brothers. The air was red and full of fire, and distantly Raph thought he could hear the sound of others fighting. Shredder's hideout (huh, when did they leave the dojo?) was burning brightly, and he knew if he looked behind him, he would see the Foot leader watching him proudly. But for some reason, Raphael didn't care. He dodged a swing from Leo's swords and glanced back at Mikey and Donnie, but found them missing. Makes sense, they were left at the tree in the dojo._

_They'd probably show up again soon, Raph knew, they were only unconscious and he'd probably have to fight them again. He wasn't sure why he'd have to fight them, and for the first time that night wondered why. But he still didn't care enough to figure out the answer. He could think about it later. For now, he had to fight, and he had to win._

_Another swing from one of Leo's katanas, but Raphael caught it between the prongs of his left sai. With a jerk of his arm right, his sword went flying. Leonardo whitened eyes narrowed. Ha! He lost both weapons now, but this only threw him off for a fraction of a second, and then he came back to the fight with his only remaining weapon. He always had his fists. The blue turtle grabbed Raphael by the arm._

_Raphael winced as Leo flipped him over onto his shell, grunting as he landed hard into the concrete beneath him. His brother grinned, and Raph used the temporary distraction to sweep his legs out from under him. He grabbed him by the shoulder before he fell, and used his free hand to push himself up. Leo's eyes went wide. They switched positions, and now Raphael was on top with his hand aimed directly at his throat. He wondered when his sais had disappeared in exchange for the sharp hand hooks that Shredder had given him. These were nearly identical to the ones Saki himself wore. Raphael didn't really care._

_Everything went silent, and Raphael watched as Leo's expression changed. The adrenaline-filled confidence vanished, replaced by a look of pure fear. Pleas of mercy started pouring from his lips. They probably appealed to their brotherhood, to his love, to his sense of self. But none of those would work. Why would they? Even if he could hear them, Raphael didn't care about who he was holding down. He only knew rage and pain. Sure, it was his brother, but what did a brother mean to a monster?_

_Nothing, that's what._

_Sound returned to his ears just in time for him to hear his brother's last scream, as the red one's weapon slammed into his brother's throat._

Raphael's own scream was muffled by his hand, as he flew up in his bed.

In bed. At home. In his room. Where the walls were gray and covered in old band posters, where his drum set sat in one corner and Chompy slept soundly in the other. Home, in the sewers, with his family. Where fights never digressed past half hearted silent treatments and a few intense sparring sessions. 

Home, where brothers didn't kill brothers.

He blinked rapidly, trying to focus his eyes (and to get the terrified face of Leonardo out of his mind, even if it was currently scarred into his sight). It was just a nightmare. It was just his own mind playing tricks on him. Raphael hadn't knocked his little brothers unconscious and he hadn't murdered his older; he had only ruined his own sleep for the night. That was all. He was okay.

They were okay. 

"What the hell, brain..." Raph mumbled to himself quietly, rubbing his forehead. He shouldn't still be having these nightmares. After all, he had followed every piece of advice the internet had to offer on the topic: don't eat sugar or caffeine before bed, don't stare at the screens, don't watch scary movies before bed... granted, the last one was a bit harder to follow when your whole life is practically a scary movie, but he had tried! He shouldn't still having these dreams.

Why couldn't the guilt and shame stay in one place? Surely plaguing every waking thought of his should be enough... why did they have to consume his sleeping periods as well?

The turtle waited, but the sound of his beating heart didn't slow down. A minute passed, and then another, and he realized he wasn't going to be going back to sleep again. Making peace with the fact he'd be tired until the next morning, he threw off his covers and got out of bed. Might as well get some extra training in. "Sensei" Leo would probably appreciate it. 

The lair was still dark, and it was only around 3 p.m. His brothers probably wouldn't get up until around 8 p.m. (with the exception of Leo, who was a pretty early riser and would most likely be awake by 6), so it looked like he had a few hours to himself. 

Raphael took a deep breath, mildly annoyed at how fast his heart was still racing, and a glance down told him his hands were shaking slightly as well. _**It was just a stupid dream**_. It shouldn't be affecting him so much. It wasn't real.

Never mind that he had really attacked his brothers on multiple occasions. Never mind the fact that he had been controlled by the Shredder only a year or so ago. Never mind the fact that he had gotten so angry on the planet of the Aeons he went crazy on his brother. Never mind the fact that only a few weeks ago he had gotten bitten by a freaking vampire and switched sides. It wasn't real. Nothing about the dream was real. He would _**never**_ hurt his family.

His fists clenched tightly with the denial.

Taking no more time to think, Raphael found himself in the dojo running through every type of training he knew. His eyes burned and his muscles ached, and when he ran out of ideas he started over and did them all again. Faster and faster to chase away the thoughts in his head. If he practiced hard enough, he wouldn't be able to think about anything, right? That was how it usually worked. Don't think; just do. Let the pain consume any rational thought and push the muscles farther.

But the training was too familiar. He had spent years doing them, and he was practically a master; now, only his subconscious guided his body, leaving his mind free to wander. It wasn't a distraction. 

He hurt his brothers. He _hurt_ them. He tried to kill them and to bring them to the side of the enemy. Sure, he had been under someone else's control both times, but it was still him underneath. He allowed them to. It was his fault.

And who was to say it wouldn't happen again?

Raphael froze where he was standing. He stared at the dojo wall with wide eyes, breath coming out in pants. It was a horrifying realization but really, there was no way he could promise that it wouldn't happen again. The first time it had happened he had sworn to himself he'd never let it happen again; he'd kill himself before he'd become the bad guy again. Shredder ruined his life and controlled his mind and body, and the betrayal in Mikey's whispered " _Raph_ " when he saw still rang loud in his head every night. There was no way he could erase that, but he could prevent it from happening again, right? 

His promise of that to himself hadn't mattered. Next time still came. It could come again.

Maybe it was his fault. 

Raphael stormed out of the dojo - extra training wasn't helping, and worse? The clock had kept ticking on, and it was getting closer and closer to the times his brothers would be waking up. Raphael was not open with his emotions. He did not want them to see him like this. What would they think?

The sun hadn't yet set, but it was nearing that time. If he left now and took the long way through the sewers, orange and pink hues should be settling across the sky by the time he reached the surface. Trudging his way through extra sewer water wasn't his favorite way to spend his time, but if he wanted to be gone before Leo woke up, he needed to go now. 

Snatching up his T-Phone and a bit of extra gear (the bad guys were gone, but this preparedness was practically engraved into his DNA at this point), Raphael left the lair and began making his way through the tunnels.

Though they lived in the most populated city in the country, it was easy to forget with how quiet the underground was. The concrete was a barrier between them and the city, as it had been for their whole lives. It kept the boys from hearing the hustle and bustle of New York while also keeping the humans from knowing of their existence. Nothing got through these walls. Raphael knew that.

His own heart pounded in his chest loudly, much louder than it had sounded back in the lair. Was that due to the smaller area? Was it due to the absence of the constant buzzing of Donnie's tech? Was it due to the lack of the distant sound of Mikey talking in his sleep? Raphael really didn't know, and didn't exactly care to figure the reasons out. That was Donnie's thing. He would just enjoy the silence, the only exception being the quiet sound of water dripping from a pipe to the floor.

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

Raphael wondered why they were forced to live in hiding. Sure, he understood it on a basic level; they were mutants, _freaks_ , and it was safer to stay down here than end up in some laboratory out on some secret island base, property of the government for the rest of their miserable lives. He knew this. He knew that if it weren't for the Utrom's deal with the EPF, the military would've been after them by now. That deal was fragile in itself. The lair, their hidden oasis, was one of their only protections against that, so he was perfectly fine staying hidden there for the rest of his life. That wasn't what he didn't understand.

What he didn't understand was _why?_ Why had they been doomed to this life? Why did they have to be the mutants? What had they done in a past life to be sentenced to such suffering as this?

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

Raphael wondered what his life would've been like if he and his brothers were born human. Supposing Splinter was still their father, they'd probably still have learned ninjitsu, right? But would they have been able to save the world as many times as they did as mutants? Maybe they would've been too busy with school to care for that. Or at least, Leo and Donnie surely would've been. 

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

Leo would be like Splinter was as a human. Respectable and responsible, a future there just waiting for him to grasp. It wasn't Splinter's fault his life turned out like it had. If Shredder hadn't ruined his chances, Hamato Yoshi would've had a clan to lead and a family to raise. Leo would've done something similar. Raph could picture him opening a dojo of his own to train students, with photos of his family there to greet him. He'd have lived a good life.

Donnie would've grown to be a respectable scientist. Raphael had no idea what he would be famous for exactly, but Donatello was smarter than anyone else on Earth, he knew that. He'd have made countless discoveries and won hundreds of awards. He'd be more successful than human Rockwell was, on the level of Einstein or... or... Raphael didn't know the names of many scientists, but he knew Donnie would've changed the world for the better. He'd have lived a good life.

Raphael... wasn't sure what Mikey would do, but he was loveable and optimistic. He made mistakes but he always tried his damn hardest to fix what he messed up. He was happy and made everyone laugh, and his mind was wild enough to understand things no one else could. Who else would be able to survive and thrive in Dimension X? Even though they weren't from the same time, Raphael could imagine him being similar to Renet as a human. He would've gotten himself into some crazy hijinks and he would have many, many friends who loved him. He'd have lived a good life.

Raphael had no idea what he'd do. He couldn't think of a single person similar to how he'd be.

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

Raphael was angry. He was rage and hatred. He hated the way the world ran, and he hated how much it hurt people who didn't deserve it. Even more than that, he hated how those same hurt people would turn around and hurt others right back. He hated it. He hated all of it. He hated everything and everyone.

Sometimes, Raphael hated his brother. 

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

Leonardo was the favorite. He was good and proud and everyone who met him, loved him. He was a good leader and just like Splinter. Brave and kind. Raphael had started calling him fearless as a joke, but really, it was true. Leonardo was the perfect soldier. He was everything that Sensei wanted in a son, and everything that Raphael could never be.

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

Raphael was the jealous brother. He wanted what he couldn't have. He was destructive. He hurt those he loved and he had no idea how to stop himself. He hurt and shoved it down and then hurt others right back, which was exactly what he hated the world for, but he couldn't help himself. He was a fire, burning bright and hot, and if he wasn't careful, he'd burn the entire world down.

In the past, Raphael would've compared himself to Casey. But Casey never did the things he did. He never hurt those he loved.

Raphael couldn't think of a single other person who had his flaws.

_Drip. Drip.  
_

Well, there was one.

_Drip._

Raphael ran. 

Feet pounded against the sewer floors and splashed dirty water all over him, but he really didn't care. He had stayed still far too long. His thoughts had run wild, and now he was paying the price. Why had he thought that? Why was he thinking that? He couldn't think like that. He was nothing like him!

 _Liar_. 

Blinking back tears he'd never admit to having, Raphael raced through the tunnels faster and faster, pushing his legs to run like he never had before. Visions of Oroku Saki flashed through his mind, and the pain he caused his brothers over the past three years hitched a ride with them. They swirled in Raph's mind, latching on to every thread of his conscious and overwhelming him completely. _No, please_.

The billboard falling onto Mikey. Leo returning to them through a window in a coma. Fight after fight after fight. Blood and bruises and near death experiences that plagued all four turtles, and would continue to do so, for the rest of their miserable lives.

The death of his father three times over.

Raphael felt sick. Why had his mind even thought to compare them? It was disgusting. It was another betrayal to his family in of itself. _He was nothing like that man._

He was out of the sewers and climbing up the nearest building before he could even register what he was doing. The sun was still out, the sunset still at least ten minutes from beginning, but Raphael couldn't find it in himself to care. He just needed to get out of the sewers before they suffocated him.

He couldn't breathe. His heart pounded. Raph had ran out of the sewers early because they were drowning him but it hadn't helped he still couldn't breathe, and, oh god, he couldn't breathe he couldn't think he couldn't see he was dying _he was dying_.

He was just like them. He had hurt his brothers and hurt his family and he was just like the Shredder, and his father probably knew it too. That's why he never loved him as much as Leo, or as much as any of his brothers. Because he was just like him and he knew it. He was too angry to be anything else. 

"Raph?"

He was going to drag his family down with him, he knew it. He'd hurt them again. Just like with Shredder, just like on the Aeon's planet, just like with the stupid vampire. He was just like them and he couldn't help it and he didn't know how to make it stop.

"Raphael, please."

He just wanted it all to stop.

"Raphael!"

It was the hands now on his upper arms that caught his attention, but it was the voice that held it. The voice was distant, but Raph latched onto it as a lifesaver. He needed it. He was drowning out at sea and this was the only thing that could save him, and he knew it. He needed to listen.

"There you go, just focus on my voice, just listen." The voice said, calmly, but there was no hiding the stress behind its tone. "Can you breathe with me? We're gonna breathe together now, just focus on my breaths, okay? In, and out, in, and out... there you go."

Raphael tried his hardest to follow the voice's instructions, and probably did a half decent job. He wasn't entirely sure... his brain had a fog covering it, keeping most rational thought from making an impact, but the voice seemed pleased with his work. He kept breathing with him, in and out, in and out, in and out... 

"Okay, you're doing great Raph, just keep breathing..."

The fog had slowly started to clear out by this point, but Raph's eyes were still squeezed shut. He wasn't ready to open them or to lift his head yet, so he just focused on listening to the voice a little longer. He wanted to know who was there. Earlier in his... panic, he hadn't cared much, and still really didn't. But something told him that he should really care who it was was.

"You still with me?"

Oh, that was Donnie.

Donnie just caught him crying.

Raphael's eyes snapped open at that thought. The earlier confusion disappeared as quickly as it had arrived and he gasped. Did Donnie just see him like this? Did his little brother just catch him in the middle of some kind of... panic or anxiety or something attack?! How the hell did he let this happen?!

"Woah, woah, calm down, Raph!" Donnie exclaimed, grabbing him by the shoulders again and keeping him grounded. "Please don't freak out again, it's okay!"

"Donnie?" Raph managed to ask, hands coming up to grab his brother's arms. He had been planning on shoving him away, but found himself keeping still, figuring he could spare a few more moments of touch if it kept him from panicking again. "What are you- What are you doing here?"

"I pulled another all-nighter and heard you training earlier," Donnie admitted, "I was gonna ignore it until I heard you storming out of the lair. I figured I should go check up on you, and I'm glad I did. What were you thinking, coming out here in the daylight to break down?!"

"I-"

"Right, right, you weren't thinking," Donnie sighed, shaking his head. "Sorry. Are you okay?"

"Yeah..." Raph said after a few moments, nodding to himself as though to affirm it. "Yeah, I am, thanks..."

"Don't mention it," Donnie pulled his hands away now and sat next to his brother.

Raphael glanced over at him, waiting for him to speak. The purple turtle just sat there, leaning back against the edge of the building and staring out into the distance, where oranges and pinks had claimed the sky with their sunset. A plane flew across the horizon... so both watched it until it was out of sight. Some kind of silence had captured both of them in its grasp, covering their tiny corner of the rooftop and trapping them inside. Neither made a move to break it.

Raphael wanted to ask why he was staying, but found he didn't have the energy. So, the two watched the starless, cloudy, New York sky together quietly. Raph soon found his pounding heart had slowed to something normal. Though he was ashamed and beyond embarrassed for his little brother to have caught him at such a vulnerable moment... it was nice, he supposed. Much nicer than crying on a rooftop alone for a few hours. The silence was good.

"So... you wanna talk about it?"

But alas, all good things must come to an end.

"Not really," Donnie frowned.

"You know you can't keep bottling these things up, right?" He pointed out, "Or you're just gonna get angry again, or have a repeat of this. It's really unhealthy; ask literally any medical professional ever. You can talk to me, Raph."

"It was just me being over emotional again, it's not a big deal."

"Not a big deal?" Donnie sat up straighter, staring at Raph incredulously, "Not a big deal? Raph, you just had a panic attack!"

"Yeah, but it's over now. It's fine." Raph argued, not meeting his eyes. He didn't have to look at him to be able to tell what faces Donnie was making.

"Raphael, it is not fine. And you're gonna tell me what's wrong right now." When Raph didn't respond, Donnie sighed. "Okay, fine, you don't have to tell me. But you have to tell someone, and I'm not leaving until I'm confident you're going to."

"Who do you want me to talk to, Donnie? Our therapist? I'll just go see the one over on main street; I'm sure they'd love to have a giant turtle as a client." Raph spat sarcastically. Donnie glared.

"You know very well that's not what I meant." He said, 'You have plenty of people you can talk to. Three brothers, April, Casey, Slash, Mona, Karai, just pick someone. Anyone, anyone is better than keeping it in and attacking everyone who looks in your direction as a result."

Was Donnie right? Probably. Raphael wasn't an idiot; he knew what he was saying made sense and would probably help him, but... it didn't matter. He couldn't do it. He couldn't put all his worries and stresses and self esteem issues on other people. Besides, he was upset because his brain decided he was as bad as the Shredder. That wasn't something one could just go tell everyone about. It was shameful and disgusting, and definitely said something about him.

Not to mention... he was worried his brothers had already made that connection—he was almost certain his father had, before his death. If they didn't, he didn't want to be the one to show it to them; what if they thought it was true?

"I'm gonna take that as a no, then?"

"Definitely a no."

"Fine. I'm just gonna make some guesses until you tell me then." 

"What?" Raphael frowned, looking at his now grinning younger brother. "Are you serious?"

"Absolutely." Donnie affirmed, then frowned in thought, "Does it have to do with Mona? Did you guys have a fight or something?"

"No. We're doing fine." Raphael rolled his eyes. This was ridiculous.

"Okay, does it have to do with Casey then? I don't think you guys have been hanging out as much lately."

"He's had more hockey practice lately. That's all."

"Okay, well..." True to his word, Donnie continued guessing. Did he have a fight with Leo? Did he say something he regretted to Mikey? Was he absolutely sure nothing happened between him and Mona or Casey? Maybe one of the bad guys come back and he wasn't telling them? Did he miss Splinter? Did Chompy get hurt? The questions were endless, but never once did Donnie actually get close to the real problem at hand. Which Raphael found odd; Donnie was smart, a genius, even. He wondered if he was purposefully avoiding the truly troubling answer.

Or maybe he really didn't know. Raphael hoped so, at least.

"Did you break your drum set?" Donnie asked, running out of ideas. He sighed, staring at the unmoving Raphael, who had decided staring straight ahead at nothing was a great thing to do. "Raph, come on. You gotta give me something to work with here."

"Why? I already told you I didn't wanna talk."

"You need to!" Donnie insisted. His brother growled.

Raphael stood up, and started to walk away. He could feel the anger starting to rise up in his chest, growing dangerously near his throat. It threatened to scream and yell and say all the things he knew he'd regret, and it was going to win if Donnie didn't just shut up. He had to leave.

Donnie apparently had other plans. He ran after his older brother. "Raph, wait-"

"Donnie, enough. Go home."

"No!" Donatello grabbed Raph's arm, a fierce yet gentle grip. Raph tugged his arm, but Donnie stubbornly held on. "You're not gonna just leave again. You've been closed off since... I can't even remember anymore, Raphael! But it's been at least a year, probably longer. It's not healthy and you're destroying yourself!" 

"What the hell do you want me to say?!" The anger won, and Raphael ripped his arm out of Donnie's grip so fast it hurt. He found himself walking back towards his brother, stomping towards him and forcing him to take several steps back. "You want me to say no, I'm not good? Because I have no clue what that's going to do to fix anything! And neither do you!"

"I want you to-"

"Want me to what?! To admit what's wrong with me? 'Cause spoiler alert, Don, we're going to be here for a long time if I did that!" Raphael's eyes were wide, glowing with fire or glistening with tears, no one really could tell. "You want me to go against everything you know about me to tell you what's wrong?!"

"Raph-"

"No! Shut up!" Raphael shouted. The floodgate was opened and, even though he knew he was going to regret it, he couldn't stop. He didn't care about his volume or their location and he didn't care about the content of his words. "You made me open my mouth and you don't get to decide when that stops! You asked for this, so shut the hell up and listen! I'm not going to have a stupid heart to heart discussion with you, and if you thought for even a moment that was what you were getting, you're an idiot!

"You know me, Donnie. I'm the angry loudmouth who can't stop getting us all in trouble and can't stop screaming at you guys. I'm the guy who gets so angry he can't even realize what a bad idea something is, and keeps getting everyone he lo- he's ever cared about into trouble, or nearly killed! That's the guy you're talking to, not someone like Leo or you or even Mikey, who sometimes thinks about others before he does something. I'm the one who is the first to turn my back on all of you guys, and have done that even when I tried as hard as I could not to! Why the hell are you even here??!"

Donatello didn't say anything this time. He was stunned into silence, and it made Raphael laugh in that ironic, self hating way of his. It was finally clear the light glistening off his eyes was from the tears, not a raging fire; that had finally been put out for the night. Raphael's shoulders sagged. He hadn't been planning on telling him anything, but in his anger filled shouting match, he'd inadvertently told him everything. Maybe not clearly, but Donnie was smart enough to figure it out from that. He'd solved puzzles from less than that. Raphael clenched his jaw. Might as well go the full way, now. 

He shook his head, forcing out a humorless laugh once again.

"You'd have just as much luck getting the Shredder to talk about his feelings, you know that, right?"

"What?" Donnie's eyes narrowed in confusion for half a second, before he recognized the barely hidden hint for what it was. He gasped.

"Raphael, you don't-" He broke off, shaking his head and taking a single step towards his older brother. "You're not seriously comparing yourself to him, are you?"

Raphael didn't answer. His heart pounded in his chest, his knuckles clenched as he tried not to cry in rage at himself. So this was what it was like when the fire of rage was aimed inwards, huh? No wonder his enemies had fallen when it was pointed towards them. 

Donnie was silent for a long time. Or, at least, Raphael thought it was a long time. It felt like an eternity. He could physically feel it as his face paled and the air suddenly felt colder; _what had he just done?_ Why would he tell his brother that? It was disgusting, shameful, and horrible, Why the hell did he just tell him that? He knew his brothers never thought that highly of him, but this surely would shatter what little good reputation he did have. Maybe they had never thought of him that way, but the mere fact that Raphael thought of himself that way would make them worry. And worse, now that Raphael pointed the similarities out... what if they started to?

The silence stretched on, and Raphael was ready to turn and run. It was as though he had to physically restrain himself from bolting. Anything to get out of this quiet hell.

But finally, after an eternity, Donnie spoke.

"Raph, you, you..." Donnie stuttered, unsure. His mind was still searching for how to respond to this situation, but then, it clicked. He looked Raphael right in the eyes. He was beyond angry. "You dumbass!"

Raphael blinked.

"Why would you think of yourself like that?!" Donatello demanded, taking a step forward so this time it was Raph who had to take a step back. "You're nothing like him! He- He was a monster! You're not!"

"I-"

"No! This time, you're going to be quiet so I can talk. And you're going to listen before your mind tells you more ridiculously untrue things!" Raphael froze. Donatello continued. 

"You are a lot of things, Raphael. You are wild, crazy sometimes, angry, but you are not evil. You do not take advantage of and hurt people like Shredder did, and you have never been so blinded by rage to completely throw away your entire life and ruin the lives of everyone you love. Not once!"

"I've fought all of you, tried to kill you or turn you evil twice." 

"What, when you were mind controlled?!" Donnie snapped. He shoved one finger into Raph's plastron, pointing accusingly, "Are you seriously holding that against yourself?! You had absolutely no say in that!"

"It still happened _twice_ , even after I swore it'd never happen again," Raphael hissed.

"Do you hold Slash accountable for what he did under Shredder's control?" Donnie demanded. "Do you hold me accountable for becoming a monster too? Do you blame us, Raphael?" 

When he didn't reply, Donnie repeated himself. "Well, do you?"

"That's different-"

"Like hell it is!" Donnie took a step back in order to pace the roof, gesturing wildly as his hands joined in his speaking. "You had a worm in your brain, Raphael! You were under his control and it was not your fault at all, it was completely the Foot's!"

"It was my fault for getting into the situation in the first place." Raphael didn't know why he was arguing. He wanted desperately to listen, for his brother to be right, but something wouldn't let him. He didn't want Donnie to blame him but... somehow he knew he had to convince him it was his fault. He couldn't just let him believe a lie. "That was my fault!"

"You wanna play the blame game? Fine." Donnie crossed his arms over his chest, before removing them anyways in order to use his fingers to count off his list. "In that case, it was Splinter's fault for being in a war with Shredder before we were even born, and then bringing us into it anyways. Or maybe it was my fault for not realizing Rockwell and Slash weren't themselves in the first place. Looking back, there were plenty of signs. Or wait, no, surely it was Mikey's fault. If he'd never befriended Leatherhead, then he wouldn't've come to get us to help save those two and none of that ever would've happened in the first place. That makes sense, right?"

"That's not the same thing, Don. None of those are," Raphael insisted. Donnie ignored him.

"Or if you wanna go with someone who actually blames himself, let's say it was Leo's fault!" He said, throwing his arms up in the air. "Let's just blame him!"

"How is it his fault?" 

"He's the leader, he's supposed to watch out for us," Donnie said, but his reasons were not his own. "Leo was the one who told me that, right after he admitted he heard Slash and Rockwell mention needing one of us half a second before they got you. He blamed himself for weeks, for not using that second to save you. He actually blamed himself, Raphael, and probably still does."

"But... that's not his fault. There wasn't anything he could do, he was injured too and it all happened way too fast. That wasn't his fault."

"He doesn't see it like that," Donnie sighed, "You two are more alike than you think, you know. Both of you think it's your job to keep all of us and each other safe and beat yourself up when you can't. It's not your fault if you don't kill yourself trying to protect us, you know that, right?"

"I hurt all of you!" Raph shouted, exhausted. "This isn't just a failure to protect you guys; this is me, actually being the one to attack you guys. That was me!"

"That was the Shredder." Donnie spoke calmly. His words were said in the all too familiar tone he used when there was no room for argument; what he said was factual, and that was that. "The Shredder used you as a weapon. He had you held down and all self control ripped away with that stupid worm. You were a victim in that situation, Raphael, you were not the culprit. You were the victim." He chuckled, but it was sad, "And considering how it's still affecting you, I'd say you still are."

Raph didn't know what to say. He was exhausted. His brain was melted, and he couldn't think of a single way to argue his point anymore. Donatello was wrong. He just... couldn't explain why.

He collapsed on the ground, leaning back against the ledge, defeated. 

The darkness had finally claimed the city, the sun gone until the morning. It was relatively quiet for New York (though no night in this city would be completely silent), with few sounds being heard aside from the constant traffic. Some teens were laughing a few streets down, but that was it. Raphael wondered what it'd be like to be as oblivious to the troubles of the world as they were. He didn't linger too long on the thought though; it'd drive him crazy if he did. 

"You can go home now." Raphael said, after realizing Donnie hadn't moved, "I'll be home later. Tell the others I'm fine."

Donatello didn't go home, much to Raph's surprise. He set his bo staff on the ground gently. Then, Donnie took a seat right besides him, close enough that their arms touched.

"I said, you can go home now," Raph repeated when Donnie looked directly at him, gaze gravely serious and scrutinizing. He winced, "But I'll rephrase. Go home, Donnie."

"No. Not until you admit you're wrong."

"Have you met me?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I have. But apparently you haven't." Donnie frowned. "You're Raphael."

The red turtle was lost. "Is that supposed to be news to me or-"

"You're Raphael, second oldest son to Master Splinter, the one he dubbed 'protector' of the group all those years ago." Donnie spoke softly, but sincerely and with no room for argument. "You're the one whose goal first and foremost is to get everyone home alive, never mind the mission; that comes second. Because the team is what matters to you most. You're the one who hates to admit it, but cares for his family more than anything else and just wants everyone to be safe. We've seen you with Mona, Chompy, Spike, me, Leo, Mikey... You're the one who is scared that people seeing that you care will somehow make you less able to protect them.

"You're fire. You're the one who is convinced that's a bad thing, but fire is power and light. Without it, it's doubtful intelligent life would've made it this far. Fire was what protected early hominids from predators. It was light that warned them from the unknowns in the darkness. It's not just destructive, Raphael, and neither are you." Donnie smiled, "I don't know what modern Earth would look like without fire, and I don't know where we'd be without you. The answer to both those questions is probably 'a lot worse off'."

Raphael had been looking pretty much everywhere that wasn't Donnie since the start of this conversation, but that managed to grab his attention. It was true; though the comparison had been made between him and that force of nature too many times for him to count, he'd always thought of it as a negative thing. Fire was destruction and rage... was there more to it after all? Was there more to him? 

He stared at his brother, speechless. Donnie pulled him into a tight hug.

"You're nothing like him, Raph. You lose your temper, sure, and people have taken advantage of that. But you're not a bad guy. You never could be. Stop being angry at yourself. You don't deserve it."

Raphael broke.

He hugged Donnie back tightly, and cried. 

Visions of Leo's terrified face, Donnie's and Mikey's unconscious bodies, from his dream still flashed in his mind. Memories of the same fear were just as vivid. But now, Donnie's words had joined them. They didn't think of him as he thought of himself. That knowledge along made him want to cry in relief for even longer. They didn't hate him. 

And so the two brothers stayed on that rooftop for a long time, though neither were keeping track. They stayed until the air grew colder, and the wind began to pick up; the signs of an incoming storm soon grew too dire to ignore. It was only then that they decided to head back home, down to the sewers. 

The walk back was mostly silent, with Raphael lost in his own thoughts once again. He was beyond embarrassed for his little brother to have caught him like that, but... he was thankful, too. He really had helped. He was almost glad that-

"Hey, wait a second," Raph turned to Donnie, his voice raising in accusation, "You pulled another all nighter?! Donnie!"

Donnie froze, laughing nervously. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Oh, heh, I thought you forgot about that little fun fact..."

"Donnie!"

The walk from then on back was filled with laughter and threats of violence if Donnie didn't go to bed the second they got back. The two continued talking and joking around. Time passed quicker. So the long walk through the sewers seemed to last only minutes, much to both's unvoiced disappointments. They returned to a home that had been broken, but was filled with loving people who would help it to heal. 

True to his word, Raphael ended up having to briefly wrestle Donnie when he tried to get out of sleeping, much to Mikey's amusement. They argued for a bit, but in the end, Leo joined in on Raph's side and they banished the scientist to his bedroom ("no, not your lab.") for the next five hours. Minimum. Donnie slept, and the others trained a bit more.

Raphael smiled.

To say that everything was fixed would be a lie. Raphael was still a child, and had gone through more than his fair share of traumatic experiences, as had all of the brothers. Nothing was going to be fixed immediately. He'd still have nightmares, some nights worse than others, and some days he would explode again. He'd curse the world and all in it, and regret it direly.

But he had three brothers who cared for him, who knew his pain, and who would be there every time he fell. They trusted him, and he trusted them in return. They would be there for each other... and slowly, ever so slowly, Raphael learned to trust them to be there for him too. His nightmares would slow, never quite disappearing, but becoming infrequent and less traumatic with each passing day. He healed.

And as for that night?

Raphael slept soundly, without nightmares. 

**Author's Note:**

> In my opinion, the brain worm arc for Raphael should've lasted way longer. They also should've expanded on how two brothers fighting was what started the Hamato v Foot war... and how in the next generation, Leonardo and Raphael fought, and Leo was compared to Splinter all the time. And Shredder was described as being "blinded by rage"...
> 
> Personally, I saw lots of potential for angst there, especially with that photo Splinter held at one point of his four sons. It was cracked from the middle, originating over top of Raph and expanding outwards. That could've been some really cool foreshadowing.
> 
> Idk, maybe that's just my loving angst brain talking. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed my fic, comments are appreciated!


End file.
